The REAL Wedding Diet

Hello lovely bride-to-be, let me start this by saying: you are glorious. On your wedding day, I can GUARANTEE* you will be totally, blindingly, earth-shatteringly radiant. Everyone you love - most especially The One You Love - will be in awe of you. Whether you believe this or not about yourself is kind of (sorry to be blunt) irrelevant..... because, Honey: it is F A C T.

It's absolutely okay that you're focused on a healthy eating and living plan to have you feeling your best self for the day. Hey, you're making good habits for the future and that's an awesome thing for sure. It's also totally okay that you turf the fucking plan and just rock 'You' from now until you hit that amazing aisle. So, in my experience... here is the REAL Wedding Diet.

​12 months + 1 Day to go:

ERMMMAAAGOOOD - You're totally getting married! You wake up an hour earlier than you have in your life and go for a run in the morning sunshine. You smile for the full 3 miles (okay, 1.2 miles) thinking how wonderful it will be to marry the great love of your life. You dig out all of the little magazine beauty sample sachets you've been hoarding and apply every single one in turn, marking the beginning of an infallible 12-month skin care regime. You eat nothing but crisp, fresh vegetables and laugh in the face of carbohydrates. 
Daily calories: 1,179 (alcohol units: 0).

​12months - 9 months to go:

Date is set and venue is booked (phew!) so you're kicking straight into THE BEST BIT: dress shopping! With the perfect plan to consume nothing but moss-green smoothies, you in fact spend 3 months surviving on nothing more than prosecco and those saccharine little cakes/chocolates that do not exist outside of the world of bridal boutiques.  
Daily calories: 2,880 (alcohol units: 4)

​9months - 6 months to go:

It's the Spring and you and Mum are having a wonderful time visiting gorgeous vintage craft markets in all the cute and quaint village towns you never knew existed, despite being along a 20-minute radius from your family home. Of course, they have the obligatory vintage tea-party caravan, traditional ice-cream stand and Pimm's table. Seriously, it would be rude NOT to partake... 
Daily calories: 2,910 (alcohol units: 5)

​6 months-3 months to go:

You and your crew are trawling the High Street for adorable table centres and decorations (I mean: you're digging away in the pound shop wedged between the lovely boutique stores you used to shop in before you made the apparently deranged and evidently financially-ruining decision to get hitched). You would have lunched at that independent vegan bar BUT  Zizzis and Pizza Express are just SUCH convenient meeting points. Skincare regime has waned slightly (let's be honest - you've barely shaved your legs in weeks).
Daily calories: 3,237 (alcohol units: 6)

​Day of your wedding

You wake to a glass of bubbles lovingly poured by your amazing bridesmaids.  You attempt to eat something to line your stomach only to find those adorable butterflies have become pterodactyls on speed. The ceremony whizzes by in a blur of love and tears but the reception is here and food on the horizon... 
You attempt to eat your starter....
You attempt to eat your main....
You attempt to eat your dessert....
You drink a glass of bubbles x 16
You attempt to eat the evening meal....
You dance like a mental case until being tucked into bed by your beloved who doesn't mention the state/smell of your hair. God you made the right choice. 
Daily calories: -6,891 (alcohol units: 67) 

*I pledge a money-back-guarantee that you will rock the shit out of your wedding dress/pant-suit/onesie irrespective of your diet choice leading up to the big day. Of course, given you paid £0 for this advice... and will therefore receive the same in reimbursement... I hope you can take comfort in my total and unwavering confidence in you. :D